Does this uniform make my penis look longer?
Category: Levity
Take No Stance…Ever Never!
Oh, hello, who are you?
Michael, but you can call me Mike.
Oh, no, I’m calling you Tim. Don’t want people thinking I’m taking a stance.
It Ain’t Newsing Yet
Look, don’t just point the camera and tell me that’s storm surge. You need to step into the water so I can appreciate that reality is something that happens to a body. Some body. Any body, really.
Our Utility Monster
T-Man, our Utility Monster, in jail? Will jail make him happy? Feed him, oh devout ones. Feed him, “We must keep the monster as happy as possible, no matter who else might suffer thereby.”
Still a Quantum Classic
A police officer pulls over Werner Heisenberg for speeding. “Do you know how fast you were going?” asks the cop. “No,” Heisenberg replies, “but I know exactly where I am!”
Vegans
Not the people who don’t eat meat or animal products, but the aliens clustered around the star Vega in the Lyra constellation. The signal was weird. Not a prime number series, but what I can only imagine was a Vegan joke. The signal went:
What happens when 100 Cepheids screw in a standard candle lightbulb?
Hubble sperm.
Gossip
“Recent studies have shown that as much as 60 percent of our conversation today is devoted to gossip!” That’s just the kind of thing I’d expect that weirdo to say.
Happy Stink Rebrands
As a young boy, Happy Stink dreamed of his global empire “X-Caliber”. “It’s like an adventure story, you see? Only with an X. You know, to make it cooler.”
Unanimous Consent
The Senate should get rid of dusty anti-democratic practices like Unanimous Consent. Then, while they are are at it, just get rid of the Senate as well. Cupio dissolvi.
Saving America
The man that saved America could not save his haircut.
The Hack 